


I can't cry in your arms, 'cause you're not here. (it's not your fault, and if it was I wouldn't care)

by Drhair76



Series: the night is dark but the moon is bright [10]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allison Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Bro they all just needs hugs, But his powers wont let him, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Except Luther, Gen, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Not Luther friendly, Number five just wants his family happy, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, but he loves his mom, he's a bit of a bitch, i dont like him rn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-11-16 04:42:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18087653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drhair76/pseuds/Drhair76
Summary: For most children who lose a sibling, it was the day they went missing that they couldn't forget.For Vanya, it was the day before Five left that she couldn't forget.or, the one where Five leaving was a lot more impactful that he thought.





	1. Luther

**Author's Note:**

> There is some Luther bashing in this so if you like him....I'm sorry?

Luther always found Five irritable. 

The way he'd always push dad's buttons and toe the line between disrespect and dutiful behavior never failed to make Luther roll his eyes. 

For whatever reason, their father liked Five's arrogance and boundary pushing. During drills, Five was always praised for using his powers to win, dad never appreciated Luther's raw effort as much as Five's creativity. Five always pushed himself to be the best he could be, jumping at the chance to hone his skills whether it be on a mission or not.

Their father praised him constantly but it seemed like approval wasn't what Five wanted. 

It sucked because their father's approval was all that Luther wanted. And he tried so hard to get it, asking for more exposure during missions and taking the extra strength training that was offered, but he never got it. 

So he felt a little bitterness towards his brother, but if Five ever noticed it, he never confronted Luther. 

So Luther only figured it was about time when Five blew up at their father, demanding things that were out of his reach for a reason. 

Luther didn't even flinch when Five rushed out. Reginald motioned for the rest of them to continue their meal and Luther didn't have any reason to question him.   

"Five isn't here." Allison said urgently as they walked to breakfast the next morning. 

Luther frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean he isn't here."  Luther paused. Reginald should've found him by now, or Five should at least be back to face his punishment. 

"He hasn't come back?" Allison shook her head. "Klaus told me when he saw Ben outside Five's room. He slept there all night and you know how light Ben sleeps. He would've heard Five come in." 

"If he isn't here, then where is he?" He asked.  "I don't know, but we need to find out."

The only person in the house who would've had information on his whereabouts was also the one person who didn't seem concerned about him at all. 

"Dad-"

  "Don't call me that Number One." He said bluntly, not even bothering to look up from his notebook. Luther flinched at his disappointed tone. 

"I-Well, I was just wondering if you knew where Five is." 

Reginald's pen never lifted from the paper, the scratching sound hardly faltering.  Luther shifted nervously. 

"Number One, I do hope that you arent going to continue wasting my time with this." He sighed. "I figured you were smarter than that." 

The insult made Luther wilt. 

That bitter voice that resides in the back of Luther's mind was roused. 

' _Five wouldn't ask such a stupid question'_

"I am." Luther insisted and this was when his father finally looked up. 

"Then prove it." 

Luther opened his mouth to respond but stopped himself. Reginald didn't care where Five went. He didn't care that one of his children were missing. That Five could be somewhere, hurt or in trouble.

 "Let this be a lesson in obedience to you Number One." Reginald said turning back to his writing. "When you try to go against my better judgement, terrible things will happen." 

Luther nodded stiffly and turned, hurrying out of the room. Allison and Klaus were waiting on the other side of the door, when he came out they searched his face eagerly. 

"Well?" Allison asked. "What'd he say?"

Luther searched for words but nothing came up. He desperately wanted to be able to reassure Allison, tell them that Five was gonna be found soon, that he'd be home.  Because no matter how much Five irritated him, he'd always be family. 

The only thing he could do was watch helplessly as his silence told Klaus and Allison much more than his words ever could.

"He's-he's not even looking is he?" Klaus asked with a scoff. "He doesn't care."

Allison looked from Luther to Klaus with shock and disbelief."No, no he-no. He wouldn't do that." 

Klaus' face turned grim and Allison grew more frantic. "No. He wouldn't just leave him out there!  He's a monster but he'd never-"

  "Face it Allison." Klaus said shakily. "He doesn't care about us. We could all drop dead right now and he'd just find the other fourty three out there." 

"But...but Five?" She turned to Luther. "We can't just leave him."

And Allison was right. Everything about this was morally screaming at Luther to help. To find Five and make sure he wasn't on some street corner somewhere, waiting for them to find him. 

But another part of him was bitter and tired of constantly competing with Five for dad's attention. He was jealous that Five was never as hurt by their father's cutting remarks as he was. He always breezed through the comments as Luther was the one saying them instead of the man who was supposed to be their dad. 

Five always made everything they did in training look so easy that Luther was sure he'd be fine. 

"Well, he's the one who left us." 

Allison and Klaus turned shocked eyes on Luther. Klaus faltered before he chuckled. It had a hard edge to it that Luther's never heard before. 

"Wow.  _Thanks_  Luther. If I didn't know any better I'd think you were our father." He said sarcastically. Luther flinched at the insult and Klaus, who didn't care, just turned and walked away.

"Just because he left us, doesn't mean he shouldn't come back." Allison sniffled before hurrying after Klaus and leaving Luther helplessly staring at the floor. 


	2. Diego

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Grace." Reginald's tone was clipped, anger making Diego duck his head. Diego wouldn't say that their mom flinched, but there was a distinct falter in her movements that made Diego's fist clench. 

When Five left, Diego wanted to laugh. 

He always appreciated a good burst of anger and to be honest those breakfasts were mind numbingly boring. The knife left in the table was a good touch too, although Diego could tell that mom wasn't happy about the mark in her table.

 Diego figured it was about time that one of them got angry. They were treated like soldiers about to fight a war rather than actual people with real feelings. He may not understand why Five was upset about not being able to do more training, but Diego didn't mind what he was yelling about as long as their dad was getting miffed. 

But when Five wasn't back the next day, Diego grew worried. 

He watched Luther's scowl deepen, his already cold demeanor becoming more stoic overnight. He watched Ben's under eye circles darken as he twitched with the monsters that he kept under his skin. 

Even Klaus became more jumpy than usual, skirting away from unexpected touch but also simultaneously curling into any contact that was given. 

Diego was not the best at...emotions.  He didn't really know how to help his siblings on that front, but he cared. He hated seeing Vanya with tears in her eyes or Allison, checking Five's room everyday. 

There was a day, a morning, when mom accidentally set out an extra plate of pancakes. Vanya nearly burst into tears, Luther inhaled sharply, and Klaus stared at the plate, a haunted look in his eyes. Diego looked to his father, expecting some form of comfort or explaination as to why Five wasn't back yet. Because he couldn't possibly just sweep this under the rug. 

Their brother was missing, it didn't matter how infuriating Five might be, they couldn't just give up on him. 

"Grace." Reginald's tone was clipped, anger making Diego duck his head. Diego wouldn't say that their mom flinched, but there was a distinct falter in her movements that made Diego's fist clench. 

Mom simply picked up the extra plate and silverware as if nothing happened and smiled at the rest of them reassuringly.

"Enjoy your breakfast!" 

Diego watched her go, angry at his father for not doing anything about Five, angry at Five for running out in the first place and angry at himself for being so damn useless to all the people that were hurting around him. 

The only thing he could do was watch.

 He watched Klaus, making sure to leave the lights on in the halls for him, he made sure to cover Vanya and Ben with blankets when they fell asleep downstairs, he talked with mom about anything so she would forget about Five. 

The only person he couldn't figure out how to help was Allison. 

He walked by Five's room once to see her sitting on his bed, her eyes shut tight as she whispered harshly to herself. 

"I heard a rumor that Five was back."  Diego's chest tightened. 

What could he do? His sister was hurting, they all were, but this wasn't the hurt that a blanket or some cookies could fix. 

"I heard a rumor that Five was at the academy." Her voice shook and she opened her eyes. He watched her stare down at her hands hopelessly. Diego backed away from the door as Allison began to cry. 

The only thing he could do was tell Luther to check on her and hope Five would be back soon.


	3. Allison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He's gonna find him right?"
> 
> "I don't know." 
> 
> "Do you think Five's okay?"
> 
> "God, I hope so." She said vehemently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> allison's up! 
> 
> idk if I wrote her that well, because for whatever reason, I cant get a grip on her character. like, idk how she'd react to the whole 'five leaving' thing so this came out 🤷🏽

Allison wasn't paying attention when Five left. 

She, like many of her siblings, believed that Five would be back as soon as he remembered that he didnt really have anywhere else to go. 

When she woke up the next morning, she saw Klaus leading Ben to breakfast away from Five's room. She frowned and hurried to his room. The door was shut. Allison opened the door, hoping to see Five standing there stretching or still sleeping, but he wasn't.  She peeked further into the room before hurrying downstairs. She caught Luther by the arm. 

"Five isn't here." 

Luther promised to at least ask. 

She followed Luther to their dad's office later with Klaus trailing behind her. He made a motion for them to stay behind as he knocked on the door. 

"What do you think he's gonna say?" Klaus asked. 

"I don't know." 

"He's gonna find him right?"

"I don't know." 

"Do you think Five's okay?"

"God, I hope so." She said vehemently.

And she did. She hoped that Five was safe somewhere, she hoped he was warm and had found something to eat. She hoped he was alright, but unlike her brother, she hoped Five stayed away. 

She hopes he gets to a shelter and finds people who will actually care for him. A father who didn't make him train until he puked, a mother who wasn't made of metal and a home that didn't feel like a prison. 

She knew Five was smart enough to survive. 

She just hoped he was smart enough to live. 

Luther came out of the office looking ashamed and dejected and Allison's heart dropped. And when Klaus made the connection and figured out that their father wasn't even looking, her whole world shattered. 

Just minutes ago, Allison was hoping that he'd never come back to the academy, that he'd be safe somewhere happier. But now, all she wanted was to have him back here, where he belonged. 

She had never really connected with Five. He always seemed just a bit out of reach. Maybe it was Allison's own fault. Maybe she didn't try had enough to find things they had in common, or maybe Five's irate personality turned her away too soon. 

But now she would never have the chance, and that hurt her more than anything. 


	4. Klaus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first week Klaus held onto hope. 
> 
> He was just lost, not gone, just lost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I have been agonizing over this chapter for about two whole days now and then I just forced myself to sit down at write it at 11 at night and it just came to me,,,,,like why cant my brain do anything normally?

When Five left, Klaus was hurt. 

Just two nights before he left, Five caught Klaus in the throws of a nightmare. He had been tossing and turning in his bed when he was awoken by cold fingers on his wrist. 

He gasped and automatically flinched away but Five's face was the only one in his field of view. Klaus blinked away the haunted, torn, pale faces from the ghosts in his dreams and sat up. 

And now he could see Five standing there in his pyjamas, his hair mussed and eyes sharp. Something about him looked different. There was something in his face that made a little ping of alarm go off in Klaus' subconscious, but he just dismissed it, chalking that up to needing more sleep. 

"Five?" His voice was hoarse, groggy and unsteady. "What are you doing in here?"

Five's frown deepened. "You were having a nightmare." 

Klaus didn't really see what that had to do with anything, but it seemed that Five was done with explanations. 

"Move over." He gave Klaus' knee a little push and Klaus, out of sheer confusion and curiosity, moved out of the way.  Five climbed onto the bed and pulled Klaus' blankets around his shoulders. 

"Oh, so what? This is a sleepover now?" Klaus asked, raising an eyebrow. Five just rolled his eyes and flopped over, taking up almost all of Klaus' space. 

"Shut up Klaus." He mumbled, his voice muffled by the pillow.  Klaus sighed, fighting back a grateful smile and curled himself next to his brother. 

Now that Five was gone, where would Klaus get that from?  Who in their family would be so observant as to see that the demons in Klaus' head were getting louder, or the punishments from dad were getting harder, or the shadows in his dreams were pressing closer? 

The first week Klaus held onto hope. 

He was just lost, not gone, just lost. 

He was somewhere, trying to get back to them, wanting to get back to them. Five loved them, despite not being able to show it often. 

Why else would he bother curling next to Klaus in bed? Why else would he bother leaving lights on, or checking on Klaus after 'special training'? 

He _had_ to love them.

So Klaus believed that Five was still out there, looking for a way back from wherever he was. Then the second week passed, then the third, the fourth. By the third, Ben had stopped sleeping in Five's room, by the fourth Allison began speaking about Five in past tense. 

And by the fifth, Klaus started to think the worst.

Five was gone. He had to be. He had to be dead, because Klaus knew for a fact that the only thing that would keep Five away from his family would be something unconquerable like death. 

Because the only other option would be that Five never loved them, deciding to run at his first chance, and Klaus felt nauseous whenever he thought like that.

Klaus never saw him whenever he tried, and he never saw him whenever he didn't. Maybe it was a blessing, the idea of living with the image of his little brother's dead body in his head sounded like a nightmare. 

Or maybe it was a curse. Never being able to shake that false hope and crushing feeling of _not being good enough_ that Klaus felt. 


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So when Five realized that his powers of teleportation extended to time jumping, he got excited. 
> 
> He could get them out. 

Five was a lot more observant than people might've thought. 

He knew his siblings (or most of them) thought he didn't care and was more invested in himself, but he wasn't. He cared for them so much, he just wasn't good at the actual showing part and that made him seem like a dick. 

But he could see what was going on. He could tell that Klaus' 'extra training' was the reason his hands shook and he stayed away from dark corners and he gasped awake with nightmares. He could see the way Ben shuddered and blanched whenever he had to fight on a mission and the haunted look in his eyes afterward. He could see the pain in Vanya whenever their father dismissed her, and he could see his much it hurt whenever Luther talked over her. 

All he wanted was to find a place for him, Ben, Vanya and Klaus.

 He knew that Luther would never leave dad, that was clear from all the glares he got whenever he ticked Reginald off. Allison wouldn't leave Luther, and that was something that Five didn't want to think too hard about. And Diego wouldn't leave mom, which Five could understand, but Reginald did create her and Five couldn't help but remember that everytime they talked. 

So when Five realized that his powers of teleportation extended to time jumping, he got excited. 

He could get them out. 

Vanya could learn violin and flourish under the actions of a real parent that cared about her, Klaus could wear all the skirts and feathers he wanted without worry, and Ben would be allowed to read any type of novel he wanted, fiction or not. 

Diego could come and maybe they could bring mom, once Five figured out how to reprogram her. Even Allison could come and she'd be able to do all the films she wanted, whenever she wanted instead of being bogged down by missions. And no matter how much Luther irritated him, Five hoped he'd follow Allison and maybe they could all start over, with parents that actually loved them instead of their powers. 

But jumping forward to a barren wasteland covered with smoke and fire had panic shooting through his chest. 

He turned hoping maybe he was seeing things, maybe he was hallucinating, but no. The bleakness stretched for miles out in every direction. He inhaled sharply and ran back till he saw what he knew, the church, the grocery store, the bar and- The academy.  It was gone. 

Completely wrecked. There was nothing but rubble and fire and dust. 

A funny and weird feeling roused within Five, one he had never felt before. 

"Vanya!" He called. "Ben! Dad!"  He turned again and that feeling swelled. "Anyone!"

Five felt wetness on his cheeks before he even knew he was crying and maybe that was because he couldn't tell the blur of tears filling his eyes from the hazy smoke filled sky. He dropped to his knees, hardly feeling the pain, and stared at the broken academy that had once been home. 

All of a sudden he could place a name to the chest squeezing emotion he was feeling. As the dream of Vanya, Klaus, Ben and him finding a new life grew distant and far, he knew what it was. 

It was hopelessness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally got so sad when I was writing this,,,,,man : (


	6. Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast was quiet, as usual, but this kind of quiet was different. 
> 
> It was the silence of people ignoring the obvious. 

To be quite honest, Ben didn't really notice Five's departure. He believed, like most of his siblings did, that Five was just throwing a tantrum.

That he was speeding out because he needed to clear his head and he'd be back to face his punishment later. 

Ben just continued his book after shooting Vanya a worried glance and decided to check on him in the evening. 

The evening came and Ben knocked on Five's door. It was still shut tight like it was in the morning and Ben frowned. 

Klaus found him in the morning, back against the outside of the door, his knees pulled against his chest. 

"Hey," Klaus said, shaking Ben gently. "Wake up." 

Ben blinked up at him and squinted. "Klaus?"

"Hey Benno. It's time for breakfast." Then Klaus turned and looked at Five's closed door. "Has he not come out yet?"

Ben shook his head, stretching and standing. "He'll be out soon." 

Klaus frowned at the door, an uncomfortable thought nagging at him, but Ben still looked exhausted so he didn't voice it. 

"Yeah, probably." 

Breakfast was quiet, as usual, but this kind of quiet was different. 

It was the silence of people ignoring the obvious. 

Ben could see Luther sneaking glances at their dad, Allison gently nudging Luther, Klaus drumming his fingers on the table anxiously, Diego glaring at their father and Vanya fiddling with her hands. 

They were all focusing intently on things that didn't matter as to maybe ignore the one thing that did.

Ben watched as mom accidentally put down an extra plate and he made sure to settle his leg against Vanya's in comfort. Despite the tears in her eyes, the look she gave him was grateful. 

He caught her late last night sneaking down to the kitchen. 

"Vanya, where are you going?" There was a slight panic to his question as the wild idea that she was leaving to find Five filled him. 

She bit down on her bottom lip harshly and Ben watched as some mild internal debate went on. 

"Come with me." She settled on. She reached out a hand and Ben took it with no hesitation. 

Vanya lead him down to the kitchen and Ben watched her flip on all the lights before moving to the cupboard in a practiced fashion. 

"Wh-what are you doing?" 

She pulled out the bread, the peanut butter and the marshmallows from where dad hides them and placed them on the counter. 

"I'm making a sandwich." She tucked a strand of long brown hair behind her ear and opened up the bread. Ben knew the sandwich wasn't for her; her preferred midnight snack was something with less sugar. 

"You do this every night?" He asked watching her slather peanut butter on the bread carefully. 

She hummed. "It's for when he comes back." Her voice wavered slighty. "Cause he will. So when he does, he'll want a sandwich."

"And that's his favorite." Ben finished. 

Vanya nodded and she put the finishing marshmallows on and closed the sandwich. 

And Ben knew it wasn't going to bring his brother back.

He knew that there was the smallest possibility that Five might've been dead and Ben didn't think that Reginald would even want him back if he came back, but this didn't stop Ben from sneaking down every night with Vanya, reading and rereading Five's favorite novels and hoping,  _praying_  that his brother was safe wherever he was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like its literally a crime to make Ben sad,,,,,


	7. Vanya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison would always ask her: 'Why is Five your favorite?'
> 
> Vanya never answered, but if she had, she would've said: 'Because he cares much more than you'd know.' 

For most children who lose a sibling, it was the day they went missing that they couldn't forget. It would be ingrained in their memory for years to come. And if asked, they could probably remember exactly what color shirt they were wearing or what music was playing on the radio or even some of the people they saw walking by. 

But it was different for Vanya. 

For Vanya, it was the day before Five left that she couldn't forget. 

She was in his room when he got back from training. He didn't speak to her at first, more preoccupied with hurrying to the bathroom to change before Klaus could hog it, but when he returned, freshly showered and in his pyjamas, he sat next to her on the bed.

  "Are you okay?" He asked. Vanya always appreciated that about him. He never assumed whether she was okay or not and didn't put words in her mouth that she didn't want there. Allison, while she meant well, but she had a tendency to talk more than Vanya preferred. 

"No." She admitted, and Five, without breaking eye contact, nodded. 

That was another thing she always loved. He made sure to let her know that he was listening. Whether it was with eye contact or little hums in the correct places, Vanya never doubted for a second that Five heard her and cared about what she had to say. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

 Vanya shook her hear no and Five gave a little hum."You want to stay here?" 

"Please?" 

Five's answer came in the form of a blanket being tossed around Vanya's shoulders. They huddled together, Five physically exhausted from training, and Vanya emotionally exhausted from life, and tried to recharge.  Vanya was on the cusp of sleep when she heard a soft whisper. 

"I'm gonna get us out of here Van. I'm gonna time travel us far into the future and we can be happy." 

Vanya mumbled in tired agreement, thinking nothing of it. 

She believed it was just another one of her brother's dreams of grandeur, nothing more.  He often made these remarks, saying how soon he'd master time travel and he take them all far away, somewhere where Reginald Hargreeves couldn't touch them.

Vanya knew for a fact that Luther and Allison thought Five was conceited, or believed that he was better than the rest of them, and maybe that was true. 

Maybe he thought he was better than Vanya, but if he did he never ever let Vanya know.  Allison would always ask her: 'Why is Five your favorite?'

Vanya never answered, but if she had, she would've said: 'Because he cares much more than you'd know.' 

So in the morning, when Five was slamming a knife into their dining room table and ranting about time travel, all Vanya could think about was his soft promise of happiness just the night before. 

She caught his eye just before he ran out and tried to throw as much worry and warning into her silent look as possible. Five always listened to her before. He's listened to her cry when their father dismissed her, he's listened to her music when she's learned a new piece and he listened to her rant and rave whenever she was angry. 

 Unfortunately, when it mattered most, he couldn't. 

He dashed out and left Vanya sitting there, wishing she had the powers to make him stay. 


End file.
